Studio Quotes & Excuses a.k.a. "Can we D.I. the Congas?" Some while ago, I began a small notebook of silly things that were said during recordings..... the book soon filled. - Mark Dearnley (I, of course, have been responsible for none of them) | |
"The accidental distortion adds character" |
"That bit's meant to be out of time" |
"I bet George Martin never had this trouble" |
"But that's meant to happen in Reggae" |
"Don't worry, it'll sound terrific when it's double-tracked" |
"You're sitting on the wrong side of the stereo. So you won't hear it there" |
"The general public will never notice" |
"That's alright - I've heard worse on proper records" |
"I don't give a fuck, it ain't my song" |
"It's no more out of tune than Nigerian records" |
"The Out of Tuneness gives it an ethereal quality" |
"The more you put on, the less the tuning matters" |
"I never equalize, I just correct for deficiencies in the microphone" |
"Well, it looks stereo on the meters" |
"It'll sound nicer if it wasn't there" |
"It sounds better than that really, but the monitors aren't lined up" |
"If you get it in balance, way back in echo, it sounds disgusting but nice." |
"It's Slinky, not late" |
"I can't hear that properly, I'm left-eared" |
"Timbales always play behind the beat" |
"That's a real headache off my chest" |
"I've got a foreskin like a rhino's fanny" |
"It was depravity at its best" |
"I'd rather have the money than listen to music" |
"I like the sheer monotony of it" |
"Yes I did hear it but I wasn't listening" |
"It'll be so far back that you won't even be able to hear it" |
"I know it's a crappy mix, but it's as good as the song" |
"This is a performance record" |
"They're the sort of thing that if you hear them, they are too loud" |
"On this cassette he's no singer but he was a victim of the demo process" |
"I don't want it louder, just more of it" |
"This track sounds like an album anyway" |
"You may not be doing it one too less" |
"Hang On, I'm trying to think of something spontaneous" |
"The sides seem too loud in mono" |
"Can we solo everything" |
"It doesn't matter, it's an out of time track anyway" |
"It's flat, but not as flat as it sounded" |
"If I didn't have a dick, I'd be a perfect human being" |
"It's just over maximum" |
"Drop in slightly before you drop in" |
"The only way to do that song is to get it done" |
"No I don't need to tune up because I'm playing lead" |
"It's not at the speed that my tongue likes to go" |
"It's sharp, but that's a characteristic of the instrument" |
"There's no harm in it being early, brass sections are like that" |
"It's not frequency - it's the characteristic of the musical content" |
"It doesn't sound like it looks" |
"LOOK it won't sound in tune - it's one of those chords" |
"Don't worry, the hi-hat will be left out at the beginning so it WILL be in time" |
"The first fucking bass drum beat's a hook in this song, so don't fucking push it" |
"This isn't really a bass song" |
"You're pushing it, but it isn't pushing" |
"I am politically minded, but I don't really care" |
"You'll never hear it if you're not listening to it" |
"It's got to be clever, or not clever at all" |
"The more out of it I get, the better I'll get the timing" |
"Is it true that on these machines you get a lot of treble left and right and the bass in the centre" |
"It sounds good, but it's not something that should be used" |
"I like it - that's why I don't think it's right" |
"I'm good at doubles because I never play the same thing twice" |
"I'm not happy 'til you're not happy" |
"The best time to work is when you're nearing exhaustion" |
"No, I didn't check the alignment of the digital, because every time I do it goes out" |
"We never used to listen to the bass" |
"It sounds better out of tune - It makes it sound urgent" |
"You're obscuring the chickens" |
"It's not out of time, it's just the wrong sound" |
"Don't take too much of the elephant out of it" |
"It's going to be so far back, you won't notice the tuning" |
"It either anticipated or I wished it would." |
"Without listening, it seemed OK" |
"To them you're a legend - to me you're a bum-hole" |
"Start fading midway through the bicycle clips" |
"It's one of those tracks that if you work on it for too long, you get really annoyed with it." |
"Fuck Me - and I thought the Beat were bad" |
"I don't like anything that's good for me" |
"For once in your life be a producer and not a fucking gumby" |
"Your frets are buzzing - Are you using the fretless or fretted bass?" |
"That's NOT out of time - It's a cool jerk" |
"The strings I was using were in tune" |
"It's slightly flat, but it adds a little charm and makes it sound amateur" |
"If a track cries out for strings - Put 'em on. If it doesn't - Just put a bit on" |
"I'd like a smallish quartet" |
"That's a TERRIBLE one..He'll like that." |
"I think just single tracked doubled - if you want" |
"Let's track that 4 times - It'll make it sound rectangular" |
"It doesn't matter what the tune is as long as it goes BASH BASH BASH" |
"To give character, you've gotta sing out of tune" |
"Let's survey the definite possibilities" |
"Wipe that one for now" |
"It must be in tune because we're professionals" |
"That bass is almost worth keeping" |
"It speeds up because that's the nature of the lick" |
"I want you to make it more clangy, but don't change the sound" |
"Go for spontaneity no matter how long it takes" |
"It may have been a little slow, but it's not necessarily out of time" |
"What I like about this track is that it's all on tape" |
"Having had limited musical training, I'm not exactly sure what I mean" |
"I think senility is reeking havage with my brain" |
"It sounded in time to me, but then I've not been well" |
"It's a shame you have to make decisions" |
"It doesn't matter - nobody plays side two of albums" |
"Well, if enough people sing it, it will be a chorus" |
"I can handle that one - it's naively dull" |
"It's got to be somewhere between subtle and audible" |
"It's either brilliant or terrible - I can't make up my mind" |
"You won't hear that when it's got echo on" |
"You're only hearing that because it's got too much echo on it" |
"A cymbal overdub will cover that up" |
"But the digital CAN'T distort" |
"We'll be faded out by then" |
"Have you plugged in the window?" |
"Calypso songs ARE all over the place" |
"I'm enjoying playing with it and anyway you never know what might come up" |
"It sounds like it could easily be a mono record" |
"Better safe than sure" |
"When I shout out the one before, I'll give you the one before" |
"G Strings - great on women, rotten on guitars" |
"She has the voice of a Siren, and we're not talking Greek mythology" |
"She can look like the Elephant Man, as long as she's got a short skirt and high heels." |
"That's a great song for a title" |
"He's half an hour later than he was a minute ago" |
"Even though it's in 6/8 - He's playing in 4's and thinking in 3's" |
"I can't see what you're saying" |
"You're not metering very loudly" |
"I've got one can off, my finger in my ear and all I can hear is my head" |
"Have you got the ashtray sussed" |
"That's a guitarist's edit that is - in'nit?" |
"Why haven't they developed 'reel to reel' cassettes?" |
"That's the kind of edit that will sound wrong even when it's right" |
"I can always put some decent chords over that" |
"You're halfway between sharp & flat" |
"Can you D.I. the congas?" |
"More bass on the hi-hat" |
"Hey Man, these cans are putting the track out of tune" |
"The guitars are too loud (MD). NO - The guitars are the right level, it's the bass, drums, keys & vocals that are too quiet. (A&R man)" |
"If you speed the track up, it puts the backing vocals out of time." |
"David Bowie always sings out of tune" |
"You can't sing with your socks down" |
"That band couldn't draw fleas" |
"My voice sounds like a harmony" |
"More like that, but not like that" |
"You'll never notice the tuning, 'cos the're all minors" |
"Keep them so there's volume in them all the time" |
"I find that if I adopt a heavy metal pose - I can play better" |
"Your input is very much along the lines that I feel" |
"I like getting me into a groove situation" |
"My reflexes are like Clive Dunn's" |
"That's a funny balance of the vocals, it makes them sound out of tune" |
""It's not a bass sound until the windows rattle"" |
You know you're in trouble when......... |
You run the vocal through melodyne................The program thinks it's percussion. |
It takes the drum roadie three trips just to unload the tom-toms |
You take a trip involving 3 airports to produce a great band, only to discover that the bass player is the only remaining member from the demos you heard - The new singer does not speak a word of English....... (& yes the songs are in English). |
Your favourite sounding mixing room has a new maintenance engineer. He greets you with the news that he has "fixed" the room's acoustics. |
You discover that there is a significant 50 Hz hum coming down every line from the multitrack. The studio manager tells you that it's quite normal & that's why the SSL has noise gates. |
The Israeli duo that you have been recording in English has been asked to recut the vocals in Japanese. The producer who is guiding this particular exercise is Italian & doesn't speak Japanese.......... Need I say more. |
The guitarist/producer has fallen out with the singer & is supervising the mix. He tells you to cut out every vocal ad lib.......... You are mixing to an already edited video. |
to be continued....... |